Canadian author and good friend Laura Davis received this email. I guess this humourous piece of prose for “women only” had been circling around the internet galaxy for some time and finally made its way to her mailbox. Laura wanted to get some feedback from her “mostly” female audience and jest to her team on its copy.

When she posted list of do’s and do not’s on her blog, she caught my interest. What are the nine words that women need to know about their men? Or can the tables be reversed, especially when it comes time for a man to have some down time, read a good book, listen to fine music or watch the beginnings of a good movie. This humourous email started a spark in me that continued into a flame. By the time I finished reading this email, and made my comments, the flame developed in a real barn burner. This is how the email began, men, and I am sure that you’ll be able hear the voice of your spouse giving you that cold evil eye!

1. “Fine” — This is the word women use to end an argument. Do not say anything further. This is the time when you keep your mouth shut.
2. “Five Minutes” — If she is getting dressed, this means a half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game, before you have to help around the house.
3. “Nothing” — This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with fine. (See #1).
4. “Go Ahead” — This is a dare, not permission. DON’T DO IT!!
5. “Loud Sigh” — This is not really a word, but you need to be aware of its meaning just the same. This is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (See #3).
6. “That’s Okay” — This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay, means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. “Thanks” — A woman is thanking you, do not question it or faint. Just say “You’re welcome.” (I want to add in a clause here. This is true UNLESS she says “Thanks a lot”. This is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “You’re welcome” as that will bring on the next word which is ‘Whatever’).
8. “Whatever!” — This is a woman’s way of saying TALK TO THE HAND.
9. “Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it” — Another dangerous statement meaning this is something a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now something she is doing herself. This will later result in a man asking, “What’s wrong?” (For the woman’s response, refer to #3).

I’ve known Laura Davis for close to twenty years, and she and I have had the pleasure of singing and performing for many Christian events and concerts. I know her personality and her passion for life, plus her infectious laughter. My comments to her blog made her “laugh her head off”, as she could relate to some of the annoying things wives do, intentionally when men are not focused or are not paying attention to their wives or to their conversation. My pet peeve and the flame that I told you about really started to break out into a fire storm. Keep reading!

I will explain, as I wrote back to Laura’s membership on her site, about my personal pet peeves regarding respecting my “man time”.

“As one of the male members in your “mostly female group”, when these nine words or tone of action like this come up in my dialogue between my wife Elaine and me, it usually means that she is talking to me from the kitchen and I’m in my office either writing, creating or working on a project for a client. We now use an intercom, via our phone, which definitely helps with communications, one room to the next. I am also “guilty” of the term “five minutes” when I hear her speaking those words to me, which could mean “dinner’s ready, get your butt out here…the food’s’ hot and I hate eating cold food.”

My wife is usually very patient with me, as she doesn’t like to eat our “main meal” together without me. So, if I hear the “five minute warning” then I know I’ll be in trouble if I don’t respond! Being male and also engrossed in whatever I’m writing or creating, I don’t always hear these “nine words”, unless I’m not responding to her questions, and she’ll come and talk to me at the entrance of my office. That usually means something is important and we need to talk about it!

However, ladies, I’m a movie buff, who has partial BA degree in Film (and I have over 300 DVD’s and VHS tapes in my collection), and I hate it when Elaine wants to talk to me “using some of these nine words plus sign language” when the movie is just beginning. Ladies, why do you talk to your husbands when something important is either on TV or video (excluding sports) and you need to let us know “right there and then” what’s on your mind?

Could you not give us warning as the DVD is starting to engage that you need to chat about something? Great, we’ll stop the DVD and then we can chat? NOT IN THE BEGINNING OR THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE! When my parents were alive, I’d see my father married to my mother for 57 years, not respond at all when my mother chatted throughout a movie or sports program. I think part of the problem was that “dad was deaf” or that he would choose to block out my mother’s dialogue.

When my mother’s would use these “nine words” on him, it didn’t do much good. I would rather be progressive and tell my spouse that there is a season for everything, “a time to live and a time to die”, and a time to chat before the beginning of an important TV show or DVD!! That’s how I would take using these “nine words” in our relationship.

Now Ladies, don’t hate me, I think when you are dealing with an artistic male, who’s so consumed with the acting and direction of the film, as well as the written dialogue – that is where my focus is on, especially if I haven’t seen the movie before. In other words, ladies, if you have husbands like me, don’t bug us when the movie starts with idle conversation, or ask us “what’s happening now?”